Post-Christmas
The last few nights have been a little off around here and despite the fact that break has been good to us it still feels weird to admit that we have some worn out people in this house. The late nights or interrupted sleep tend to result in overthinking for me and the creation of these elaborate plans for all the things we're going to accomplish tomorrow (or this year or this week or this morning). The crazy brain gymnastics that occurs can often have some positive outcomes but other side effects - like feelings of failure when you're not bounding out of bed with the energy of a pre-sugar crash toddler - more often than not accompany the morning light (or if your life is anything like ours it's the morning pre-light that sends people waking up way before they 'should').
In recent nights I've found myself alternating between frenetic goal-setting and a grievous lament or frustration that break and the holidays and our day-to-day aren't typical. I have a fairly rational mind (even in the early hours) and can most of the time remind myself that 'normal' is a myth and that social media is a 'highlight reel' but allowing myself to acknowledge that it's okay to feel sad that our life with a special needs love looks different, well, that feels like a betrayal of joy and often for me feels like a dangerous start to comparisons and ugly discontentment. Focusing on gratitude comes pretty naturally to me but as a recovering comparer and perspective oriented individual, unfortunately, the yuck of envy can creep in followed by jealousy and the slow, debilitating ooze of dissatisfaction that degrades thankfulness and joy.
It genuinely is a gift to celebrate the special and the everyday with community (both in person and even online). As I reflect on the break and the memories made, the stories seen and heard there have been some exceptional learning opportunities for me, but I think the biggest realization has been that sometimes a longing won't go away. It might lessen but it's okay to acknowledge the ache - it's what we do with it that counts.
Equal treatment of individuals has long been valued by me (inequality being something I struggle to comprehend in terms of how can someone do that to someone else). Granted, it's conflicted on many occasions with fairness and I continue to develop my thoughts there. Sometimes with Jamesey and his particular needs, I get frustrated with the lack of similarity to the seemingly perfect lives of friends or family (or even complete strangers and their social media perfection).
***Let's see if I can reconnect my train of thought here. I had been sitting in my office (lol - the hallway outside the bathroom) while Jamesey enjoyed a morning soak in the tub and I could keep an eye on the other two and their morning shenanigans. ***
I don't enjoy feeling frustrated and I certainly don't enjoy being stuck in a loop of comparison and pity-parties. I would much rather celebrate - and not just the big things like "It's your birthday let's celebrate" but the little things like "It's Tuesday and your hair curled just right!" I get excited about the successes for people and I will cry with you when life warrants it, but right now (in THIS moment) I feel stuck. I keep cycling through a few days over break - the days we celebrated Christmas. Yes, days...we start the Christmas holiday on the 23rd by spending Christmas Eve Eve with the Ellis side of the family. It's not a sleepy Eve Eve with the 'children all nestled all snug in their beds' it's more like a game of musical beds and jumping beans but they love their cousin time and the time with their Grandparents and uncles and aunts. That should make it all worth it (and I think it does) but the element (even from Christmas morning back at our home) that just hurts is that Jamesey doesn't get excited about holidays or about presents or about a deviation from the norm to celebrate.
Even as I read that I feel pretty shallow because just seeing those words written down I see another perspective. It's not that Jamesey doesn't get excited or happy about things or show emotion. Truth be told he's a pretty emotive kiddo and if you've been lucky to see his smile or hear his giggle you know he's into celebrating too! He celebrates differently - he's thrilled to see his family after school or after sleep or pretty much any time. He's excited to find a leaf outside that meets his specifications. A great splash-around in warm water is perfection to him. A car-ride to just about anywhere is contentment - and ten minutes snuggled on the couch under his favorite blanket with any salty, carb-y snack is bliss. One on one time - with tickles and bouncing on the bed -- well, that's just about heaven. He is the most complicated and yet uncomplicated individual and I love that, but sometimes I just wish for typical. So I guess as I contemplate the coming year and one element to grow in, I'll work to be more like Jamesey and seek contentment in the ordinary and work to release the comparisons. Also, please enjoy this amazing picture from the super-talented Marisa Kinney of Marisa Kinney Photography. Her work is amazing and you should 110% schedule a session with her.
In recent nights I've found myself alternating between frenetic goal-setting and a grievous lament or frustration that break and the holidays and our day-to-day aren't typical. I have a fairly rational mind (even in the early hours) and can most of the time remind myself that 'normal' is a myth and that social media is a 'highlight reel' but allowing myself to acknowledge that it's okay to feel sad that our life with a special needs love looks different, well, that feels like a betrayal of joy and often for me feels like a dangerous start to comparisons and ugly discontentment. Focusing on gratitude comes pretty naturally to me but as a recovering comparer and perspective oriented individual, unfortunately, the yuck of envy can creep in followed by jealousy and the slow, debilitating ooze of dissatisfaction that degrades thankfulness and joy.
It genuinely is a gift to celebrate the special and the everyday with community (both in person and even online). As I reflect on the break and the memories made, the stories seen and heard there have been some exceptional learning opportunities for me, but I think the biggest realization has been that sometimes a longing won't go away. It might lessen but it's okay to acknowledge the ache - it's what we do with it that counts.
Equal treatment of individuals has long been valued by me (inequality being something I struggle to comprehend in terms of how can someone do that to someone else). Granted, it's conflicted on many occasions with fairness and I continue to develop my thoughts there. Sometimes with Jamesey and his particular needs, I get frustrated with the lack of similarity to the seemingly perfect lives of friends or family (or even complete strangers and their social media perfection).
***Let's see if I can reconnect my train of thought here. I had been sitting in my office (lol - the hallway outside the bathroom) while Jamesey enjoyed a morning soak in the tub and I could keep an eye on the other two and their morning shenanigans. ***
I don't enjoy feeling frustrated and I certainly don't enjoy being stuck in a loop of comparison and pity-parties. I would much rather celebrate - and not just the big things like "It's your birthday let's celebrate" but the little things like "It's Tuesday and your hair curled just right!" I get excited about the successes for people and I will cry with you when life warrants it, but right now (in THIS moment) I feel stuck. I keep cycling through a few days over break - the days we celebrated Christmas. Yes, days...we start the Christmas holiday on the 23rd by spending Christmas Eve Eve with the Ellis side of the family. It's not a sleepy Eve Eve with the 'children all nestled all snug in their beds' it's more like a game of musical beds and jumping beans but they love their cousin time and the time with their Grandparents and uncles and aunts. That should make it all worth it (and I think it does) but the element (even from Christmas morning back at our home) that just hurts is that Jamesey doesn't get excited about holidays or about presents or about a deviation from the norm to celebrate.
Even as I read that I feel pretty shallow because just seeing those words written down I see another perspective. It's not that Jamesey doesn't get excited or happy about things or show emotion. Truth be told he's a pretty emotive kiddo and if you've been lucky to see his smile or hear his giggle you know he's into celebrating too! He celebrates differently - he's thrilled to see his family after school or after sleep or pretty much any time. He's excited to find a leaf outside that meets his specifications. A great splash-around in warm water is perfection to him. A car-ride to just about anywhere is contentment - and ten minutes snuggled on the couch under his favorite blanket with any salty, carb-y snack is bliss. One on one time - with tickles and bouncing on the bed -- well, that's just about heaven. He is the most complicated and yet uncomplicated individual and I love that, but sometimes I just wish for typical. So I guess as I contemplate the coming year and one element to grow in, I'll work to be more like Jamesey and seek contentment in the ordinary and work to release the comparisons. Also, please enjoy this amazing picture from the super-talented Marisa Kinney of Marisa Kinney Photography. Her work is amazing and you should 110% schedule a session with her.
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